Mad Ovaries

I’m turning 31 in less than a month and I don’t really think I want kids. There. I said it. I’m not 100% sure if it’s a no, it might change – but for now, me and babies don’t mix at ALL.

For many years I've been on a mission to discover the destiny of my ovaries. 

“GIVE ME THE ANSWER!” I’ve pleaded.

“Tell me ovaries. TELL ME! “

When they failed to respond, I had to resort to grilling other women about their choices. How did they know it was right?

I’ve asked many mothers questions about their decision to have kids.

“So did you ever regret it?”

I’ve been shocked when some admitted they have. Not that they’d ever give the babies back of course… but some have said they might have just chosen not to have them in the first place.

I’ve spoken with 22 year olds who know without a doubt that they want kids. They’ve have that maternal gene thing - it’s just part of them. They have an inbuilt mummy button.

I’ve spoken to women who LOVE being mums. And women who hate it. And I’ve met amazingly successful women who are quite content with the fact they’ve never wanted kids. They get on with it – no questions asked.

So why oh why can’t I be one of them? Why can’t I be 100% sure?

Right now, one thing I AM clear of, is that right now, me + babies = no deal. I often feel like I’m a hyperactive 15 year old trapped in a 30 year old body.

Sometimes I’m surprised people will allow me to do grown up things like run a business, drive a car and own a dog.

And in all honesty babies don’t excite me. Sure, they’re cute when they are not crying and when I can give them back. But I find puppies infinitely more adorable. Plus when I go to the shops I can just tie my dog to a pole outside and she’ll wait patiently for me.

If I do that with a kid I’m going to jail.

I find other things infinitely more exciting than having kids. Like travel. Starting new businesses. Educating 1 million girls. Seeing the Northern Lights. Karate kicking a massive dent in this universe and create change on a huge scale.

I figure until I can get as excited about having a kid as I do about all those things, then I should stay away from the whole mummy thing.

But why does that feel so wrong? Well, Elizabeth Gilbert sums it up amazingly well in this post here.

It’s comparison. And it kills us. I compare myself to my facebook feed on a daily basis – and it can leave me feeling broken.

I’m at that age now where every second day one of my friends is getting engaged. Seriously, it’s another baby, engagement or wedding.

It’s so easy for me to look at them and go – “what’s wrong with me that I don’t want that right now? Should I care more? Should I worry about my biological clock? Should I change direction and aspire to get the man, the ring, the white picket fence?”

In all honesty, that’s just not me. I could try and pretend that it is (I’ve been down that road before) and all it leads to is pain.

And I know my friends do it too. Comparison is constant.

One of my best friends has been a mum since she was 17. And she’s extraordinary. One of the most inspirational women that I know. And I know sometimes she feels like she’s missed on some experiences that most of her close friends have had – travelling, university, an irresponsible carefree life - all of that.

The truth is that although she may not have done some of those things – she’s done so many others. She’s raised an amazing daughter (the most grounded and wise 13 years old I’ve ever met), created a home and battled against extraordinary odds as a single mum to now being a successful sales consultant and future business owner. This chick is amazing in my books – just as I am in hers. But often we can’t see the greatness in ourselves.

And so maybe, I should stop comparing. Perhaps I could spend less time worrying about the destiny of my 30 year old ovaries, and trust that the answer will come to me when the time is right. Perhaps I’m okay as I am. Baby free, engagement ring free, travel hungry, business crazed and adventurous.

And perhaps my friend is okay as she is too. Amazing mother, committed parent, beautiful friend.

It’s a thought isn’t it?

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October 27, 2015 by Chantelle Baxter

Comments

Katrina Hosie

Katrina Hosie said:

OMG, Chantelle – love your post!!! So great to ask yourself whether having kids is right for you and also for having faith that you’ll just know. For what it’s worth you might be interested in checking out the lovely Michelle McGrath – she’s posting lots of interviews with women who have either chosen not to have children or who can’t have children. Much love to you amazing lady xxxxxx

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